For so long I’ve wanted to be at the centre of things, at the middle of a crowd, because on the fringes id be, looking in. But perhaps what I mean is that id be looking away, away from myself. So eager to know what someone else thinks so I could qualify myself, so eager that I never realised that the opinion of someone else wouldn’t qualify mine if my opinion did not exist. If it was never formulated. Never created. Knowledge is certainly something, but I’m sure it wont give me that feeling, that unquantifiable feeling that I’m sure I’ve been unknowingly searching for. In the crowd it’s easy to forget that your searching but it doesn’t make the search any less able to bare, any more escapable. I am now considering that that feeling is something much more subtle than I might have thought. Something to be enjoyed, perhaps enjoyed isn’t the word, but something to be acknowledged quietly, a feeling that can only be experienced in the moment. To know that the moment is fleeting and unsustainable, impossible to contain, is to accept the nature of this search.