For so long I’ve wanted to be at the centre of things, at
the middle of a crowd, because on the fringes id be, looking in. But perhaps
what I mean is that id be looking away, away from myself. So eager to know what
someone else thinks so I could qualify myself, so eager that I never realised
that the opinion of someone else wouldn’t qualify mine if my opinion did not
exist. If it was never formulated. Never created. Knowledge is certainly
something, but I’m sure it wont give me that feeling, that unquantifiable
feeling that I’m sure I’ve been unknowingly searching for. In the crowd it’s
easy to forget that your searching but it doesn’t make the search any less able
to bare, any more escapable. I am now considering that that feeling is
something much more subtle than I might have thought. Something to be enjoyed,
perhaps enjoyed isn’t the word, but something to be acknowledged quietly, a
feeling that can only be experienced in the moment. To know that the moment is
fleeting and unsustainable, impossible to contain, is to accept the nature of
this search.
