09/07/12

Emotion is a drug much like cocaine that continues to make a fool of me. The years that pass make me wise when I am calm but when I feel the heat I am the same as I always was. I am a brat, I am terribly dramatic and sadly I am still selfish. This is my whole experience, I cannot and would not change it. When emotion causes me to burst it serves to bring me back down to earth, sometimes I wonder if I was to burst in relative calm what new level of atonement might I find? It amazes me that myself awareness can offer only a pat on the back as my thermometer gauge rises, even in situations almost identical to ones already notched up I am unable to exercise restraint. But thank god. It seems to me that, to quote Whitman, people contain so many multitudes, that if they did not burst emotionally every now and then they surely would burst physically. Splat all oer the wall. And what's more, if you can deal with the stress, it does offer a good laugh. However sick, i think it is true to say people often are at their most entertaining when they are at their most stressed and dramatic. What's important is to know these outbursts are not my identity, they are a part of me but not my sum. I am a quivering wreck standing in the rain and I am teacher comforting a friend. My experience allows me to better understand the world and everyone in it, it allows me to understand you. I cannot hate a single part of me in the same way I cannot hate a single part of you. I try to understand my life with humour. A laugh, like dancing, makes no real sense, it cannot be dissected. This world is a place we all strive to understand but have no hope of explaining. This being the case I cannot explain my emotions in terms of right and wrong, instead I accept them with a sense of humour, both are articles which cannot be explained and so in that way they seem to fit, at least they fit with me.